You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize