Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
