it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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