Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
