Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
What did we do last night that was yellow?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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