I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
