Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
