Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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