Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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