Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize