It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
