paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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