he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
