Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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