She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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