I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
