I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
