Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
