My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
So much rum. So many feels.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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