Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
