Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize