he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
