Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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