Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
