I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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