so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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