If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Randomize
