just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
