closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
