and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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