Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
