just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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