So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
