She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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