I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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