Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
