She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
