so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
