She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
