i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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