It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
