If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
