scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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