if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
