so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
