She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
