just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
