She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
