insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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