WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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