come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
