Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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