Already got asked if we're dating
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
