I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize