So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
