I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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