our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize