I've blown a few things in my day
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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