My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
