Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
