i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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