I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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